BREAKING: Local Dad Unplugs Router for 30 Seconds, Solves Cybercrime
- Danny Judge
- Apr 1
- 4 min read
In a stunning turn of events, cybercrime is no longer a threat. In fact, it no longer exists. Global cybercrime has been eradicated.
Wisconsin man Frank Pollock, father of three and occasional televised golf viewer, accidentally discovered the cure for cybercrime after receiving a suspicious email and noticing that his PC was behaving strangely.
What he did next has rendered cyberattacks a thing of the past.
“I figured I’d better just unplug the router,” Pollock explained. “You wait about 30 seconds or so, then plug it back in. That usually does the trick.”
One leading private-sector cybersecurity expert expressed shock and disappointment.
“I can’t believe we didn’t think of it,” the unnamed source said. “I mean, it’s great and all. No more cybercrime. But it was right there in front of us, and we missed it.”
With cyberattacks becoming increasingly advanced, the source explained, the cybersecurity industry focused on keeping pace. “It’s brilliant in its simplicity. In fact, it was so simple that it hid in plain sight. We flat-out missed it. Frankly? I’m embarrassed.”
Cybercriminals, meanwhile, are mourning the sudden loss of a multibillion-dollar industry.
“What are we supposed to do now?” former hacker Jimmy Culvert wondered after voluntarily providing his real name (against our advice). “Hey, are you hiring? Do I need to have any skills?”
Businesses are being warned to look out for a surge of applications from former cybercriminals.
“The learning curve to do this is not high,” our cybersecurity source explained. “It didn’t take a lot of skill for most of these losers—sorry, individuals—to make money doing it. Many will struggle with basic tasks in regular jobs.”
Our former hacker echoed these sentiments.
“I do not want to go back to driving for Jimmy Johns,” Culvert complained. “They’re like, really weird about delivering sandwiches. You can’t eat any of them. It doesn’t matter if it’s the Cuban one with the bacon. You still have to deliver it. That’s why I got into this. Once I realized how easy it was to take money from people, it was a no-brainer. Now I’m my own boss, and I eat all the bacon I want.”
The cybersecurity industry has been hit hard, too.
“Hey, speaking of which,” our unnamed cybersecurity source added, “are you hiring?”
When informed that Tier 3 Technology, like every other MSSP in the country, would be switching business models and selling ice cream, our unnamed cybersecurity source became agitated: “Listen, no one wastes Ronald H. Cook’s time and gets away with it. Are you really doing an article?”
Sure, I told him. Why not. It’s historic and all that, and I'm a serious journalist.
“Fine. Just remember to keep me anonymous. You know what that word means, right?”
[Note to self: Look up “anonymous” before publication. Could mean anything. Sounds made-up. Might be French.]
I became defensive.
“What do you think I am, a moron?” I asked. “Of course I know what 'anonymous' means, Ron.”
Now that I had that settled, I checked back in with the hero of our story.
Still basking in the glow of his once-in-a-lifetime achievement, Frank Pollock isn’t worried about what he’d do if cybercrime made a comeback.
“The key is to just stay calm, unplug the router, and wait the full 30 seconds. And you know what? If cybercrime does come back . . . I’ll probably wait a full minute. Just to be safe.”
When I asked Frank if he was hiring at the construction company he owns, he asked what I could bring to the table.
“Well, I'm not great at construction, but I make up some pretty good article ideas. And I'm great at ending them with clear takeaways.”
“'Good? Clear?' I’ve read the blog, son,” Frank said. “I wouldn’t use those words so confidently.”
“I made you up,” I shot back. “Not bad, right?”
“See? You made me up. I’m fictitious. That means I can’t hire you. You understand that, right? What it means when someone is fictitious?”
“I’m not a dope,” I said. “I know what ‘fictitious’ means.”
[Note to self: Look up “fictitious.” This one also sounds made-up.]
“I’m starting to think you’re not great at this,” Frank added. “This article is going long, and you’re getting way off track. I doubt anyone is still reading it. Wasn’t your original idea to talk about cyber risk with an April Fools' headline?”
“Maybe. I think so. Isn’t that what we’re doing?”
“No. You ask me, this thing has gone sideways. But if your April Fools' idea was to sound like a fool for an entire article in April, I’d say you’re nailing it.”
“No. That wasn't my idea at all,” I said confidently. “Now you’re the one being anonymous.”
“I’m not sure you know what that word means, son.”
“Are you absolutely fictitious about that?” I asked.
“Strike two.”
I sighed. “Let me be frank.”
“I thought I was Frank.”
“Are we really doing this?” I demanded. “Are we Abbott and Costello now?”
“Don’t look at me. You’re the one writing it.”
He had me there.
“Fine. Fictitious point.”
“That’s. Well.” Frank sighed. “Technically, I guess you’re getting warmer. We'll call that a foul tip.”
“Look. Let me be fr— blunt. I’m gonna wrap this up now. I’ve made my point about cyber risk, I think.”
“Well, wrap it up then. April will be over by the time you finish this April Fools' issue.”
Ouch. Coming from Frank, that one hurt. I scrambled to recover.
“April Fools! The prank was that you thought I wrote a bad article, but it turns out I didn’t. It’s awesome, and that’s the prank. The ending was the best part all along!”
[Note to self: write a better ending before publication]
“You sure did, buddy. Awesome work.”
“Thanks, Frank. That means a lot coming from a fictitious person.”
“I knew you’d get that right if you just kept trying.”
“That’s because I know all the words, Frank. All of em. Anyway, April Fools, Frank. Have an anonymous day.”
“You should’ve ended it on a high note.”
“I think I did.”
Eh. I totally did.
So what’s the clear takeaway here?
It’s obvious: Frank’s right.
I did nail this article.